(X) Testament

After one week of preparing, I've got enough stuff to go, but I didn't found an occasion to be alone with Gaudo so far. Maybe is not a bad idea to let someone know that the situation is going wrong here. My flu is gone by now, I'm just a little tired. I couldn't rest because I had to run after equipment. I've recovered my backpack; it was taken from me by a man who was exiled later. He was caught stealing during the night from the unguarded side of the cave. I think that when the things were going well, the migration group was better organized. Now it has to confront looting, flu, cold weather and insufficient space for all the people. The 'shadow' remained inducting his beliefs and gained more influence each day over these poor people. Maybe his intentions are good, but I'm sure that is not right to lead other people after his purposes; maybe the other people’s plans don’t match with his plans. He gained so much influence on the people that his authority can't be challenged. I will leave soon, but I'll let someone know the truth. Until Gaudo will join me to a cup of tea at this campfire I will take a look at the chunk of paper. Gaudo succeeded to rescue it from looters when I've felt unconscious. He seen my marks, the map I'm drawing - which actually is based on my route that I walked till this cave. He said that I've done a good job with this, if I want to travel back through the snow. I think that in one week from now I'll be leaving, hopefully, together with Gaudo. As I've noted on the paper, the first place where we can camp is not too far, which is good because I have time to look for Oldie. Poor Oldie... it's all alone out there, if is still alive... I remember that at the last place where I camped when I came here were traps for animals. I would hear if it been caught in those traps, since people are hunting everyday in the vicinity. I miss my cigarettes. If I'll find Oldie, I'll have some cigarettes again. I've shared some tea to these three guys that seats around the fire with me. One of them gave me yesterday a hat in exchange of a favor; if I manage to reach my home, he wants to make a detour and send a message to the people from his village. He wants to transmit to those people that he will get back in the spring if nothing bad happens and he will bring them some useful items for living. Also he gave me some roots; in his area you can't find these plants that he wants to plant at home. My contact will be a woman named "Pire" - I've noted on my paper. He didn't give me too much for the favor I'm making, but he doesn't have anything valuable in exchange and his intentions are to help.
I can see now Gaudo’s heavy shadow on the rocks while he approaches. His clothes are heavy and make him look even older. Maybe this is the secret of his success in society.
“Seat Gaudo”, I told him when seeing that he’s not sure of what to do. “There is some tea for you waiting”, I said smiling to him. “How is your wife? Have you seen her these days?”
“I told her about your mad plan of leaving. She thinks that you are crazy, but maybe you know something we do not. She said that even if the weather wouldn’t be that harsh, she can’t let the children here.” says Gaudo while throwing his equipment. "Now, you are ready to leave. What you gonna do?! Do you need some advices for the road?", he asked me.
"I want you to go with me; and your wife too. You must understand something. All the people in this cave are here because of a purpose that is less important than it was. I know why all the people in this cave gathered here and as far as I know, more than a half of the people believe that I am the man that brings evil, because there are many similarities between me and the hero of this mad story. Just think a little: if I go from here, then is not me the evil character that these people awaits; if you come with me you will not have the same destiny as the other people in the group; and most of all, I think that now is not a secret that the things goes badly each day. Maybe will be better to go for help!” I said.
All the people were looking astonished at me and the only think you could hear was the fire clacks. They are both scared and surprised about my confession. I don't have time anymore to explain it in a easier way. Gaudo is almost convinced I think, but these other guys looks like they still believe in their purpose. Either if I've convinced them or not, it will sure have a positive effect. Is enough for me if they spread my words. Someone at least will trust in me and will follow me.
"Why did you came here, then?" asked me one of the three guys.
"I had reasons to believe that this migration has a connection with me after I've heard how it all started." I said. "My purpose here was, although I didn't know, to get people back from this abyss. Now is time to end this story. I will leave soon.” I've finished my declaration.

SIDENOTE

...About crowds... The way that the crowd moves represents a unique way of thinking. All the people in the crowd think together, while each person is moving in an egoistic way. At this point the crowd is one single entity. If the crowd is moving too slow and there are frictions between people, then the entity is “ill”. Is like cells in the human body; if there are ill cells, the illness will spread to the nearby cells. At this point, if there is a healthy cell among the others, and if it knows how to spread the health in the group, then this cell is the antidote.

(IX) Empty pockets

It passed weeks until the fever released me. I’ve found myself abandoned in a dark corner of this cave and totally alone without any knowledge of what happen to me. I’ve lost weight, I’m very hungry, and lots of items of my equipment are missing. My backpack is missing also and what’s left from it, is dropped around. After a short search in my pockets and on my clothes I’ve sadly discovered that I only have left a wire tide to my belt and herbs enough to make tea for a week. I’m in a very bad situation and I don’t know what happen and why. I took the rest of backpack and made a sort of pack. I wonder what happen to Oldie… Oh, my old friend… I feel that I’ve abandoned it. I just don’t understand anything. I remember when I tried to reach it outside, that day when was snowing like it was the last snow. I remember that I was heading out of the cave, but after that I’m totally blackout. As I walk now in darkness, I can only see some shadows moving on the walls of the cave. Are shadows of people, dancing because of the fire that lights them. My legs dance too, but because of my weakness that drowns me. The boots are heavier than ever, but I think that I should be happy that I still have it. I can hear some voices, but I can’t understand what those people saying because of the echo of the cave. I can distinguish a voice although. I think it’s Gaudo’s voice. He’s a good person, so I don’t understand how he could leave me almost to death. We have something in common - the survivor attitude. Perhaps he had to choose not to help me or he wasn’t here till now. The people talking are standing up arguing about a schedule or something. I remember that before I’ve fainted we were organized in teams for work. I guess I was transported in the deep of the cave since I was so sick. Now I can clearly distinguish Gaudo’s voice and he can see me; actually is looking to me. He looks surprised.

“Hi, Gaudo…” I’ve said. All the people gathered there saluted me with a few words that not even they couldn’t hear. “Is here a place for me too?” I’ve continued. “I’m frozen and I feel very weak”
“I thought you are dead” he started to explain himself. “Last time when I saw you standing up it was when you were looking for your dog, outside of the cave...Please, join us and take this bread. You must be starving.”
I took the bread and I’ve let myself to fall on a rock. My hands are trembling of starving. I probably look desperate for these people, but I’m not ashamed. “That is also the last thing I remember”, I said. “What happen after? Do you know something about my dog?”
“Well, the people were struggling to get deeper in the cave and when I saw you, you were running against the crowd. I have seen you falling in the snow and I came to help you. I’ve dragged you inside the cave and I’ve called for help. I think you’ve swallowed some snow until I’ve managed to get you inside. Those guys from our exploration trip, you remember them, helped me to take you here. You should be happy that you are alive. People were scarred that you and other few are sick and have a dangerous disease. Indeed, there was a small hunch that you among other three people who were with us in that expedition have a dangerous flu, and people were talking about banishing you. I’ve finally convinced them to leave you alone and let us, the expedition team, to take care of you. The condition was, unfortunately, to quarantine all the team. At the beginning the people were trying to get deeper in the cave, but after they’ve seen you, they preferred to try their luck working. Normally the children, women and older people should go on this side.
Now about your dog…Maybe you could bring it here, but then, it was already too much that we took you inside, so the dog didn’t get inside. But if your dog was enough smart, it should be alive somewhere now. All the animals were unleashed and sent to freedom, if you can say that. I’ve trusted in you. I was sure that your flu is not dangerous.”
He continued to tell me what happen in the last two weeks while I begun to warm a little. I’m happy that at least the dog didn’t die when I’ve felt unconscious and it was released to find its way. So the pariahs were also sick and they recovered them selves also, but I haven’t seen them yet. I guess that I own a lot to Gaudo. He would be my friend by now on; he and Oldie, if it is still alive. My equipment is gone because of the looting. At the beginning I was searched for possible items that might be infected. Because the clothes reserves are under minimum necessary, when I was searched, other people believed that I’m dead or close to death and I don’t need all my stuff anymore and jumped over me like crows. So, I have left only with my boots, a pair of pants and a cloth.
“I’ll get my self well in a week, I hope, and I will go after Oldie” I said after listening to Gaudo’s words.
“You must be mad or your flu is still powerful” he answered shortly.
“Help me to get some equipment until then and come with me. You will be safe with me, you’ll see. I know something that would change your mind.”
“I could help you to get some clothes and put you up for walk, but I’m not that young as you are and I don’t think that I can get too far. Also is my wife who is old just like me and she can’t walk too much” says Gaudo.
In front of these arguments I can’t fight. His wife takes care of orphan children when their fathers are out for their work shift. I’ll just start to get my equipment anyway.
I must convince him to come with me and also I need to find a way to travel safety with him and his wife too. I can make use of the herbs for a noble cause. I think that the things here will go even worst in a few weeks. I must use the herbs to suggest him that I’m a good person, which actually will bring the people to safe not to end.
But I must find a moment alone just with him.

SIDENOTE

...How is to be old ? You don't know until you really are old. When you are young or teenager, you say when you see an old man that he is so old. When you get older you don't say the same thing; the man you were saying that is old, now is not that old. That's because you get older and obviously, you are closer to your own end, or should I say it a little bit clearly, closer to your own DEATH. Is that what you are afraid of ? Is normal to be afraid of death. Also is normal to change your judgment after as you get older, even if is wrong. But the difference is between cowards and just scared people. As an old person you shouldn't blame the younger generation in order to find an excuse for your fears.

(VII) Gaudo

Through the dark I could see a few silhouettes which were moving around the campfire. Among them I think is Long Beard and Shadow. As always, Long Beard is speaking most of the time. I'll join them for a cup of coffee and to warm a little by the fire. Oldie slept near the fire, where all night was a person to watch the fire. Last night a few people were talking about their turn of watching the fire. They are happily to watch the fire although they can't sleep almost at all. Now I'm drinking my coffee - which is a gift from the 'shadow', who loved my tobacco. I let them talk and I hope they will not bother me too much as I'm not in the mood of changing impressions right now. When I'm looking at Oldie, I remember the little tree that leaves at the half of my way to the village and the mornings when Oldie was waiting at the door. I also remember its favorite spots in the yard, near the rock and the other one, near the home's stairs. I don’t know if it’s happy or not about this trip that we are taking now or should I’ve stayed home and leave its last days of life to end in the place where it always lived. Unfortunally, there is no way to go back until the spring. I wonder if it worth to travel so much and risk my life just for satisfying my curiosity. Another thing that I don't like is that I depend a bit to the migrating group. They’ve occupied the cave and I have to respect their rules at least. There area few months of winter in front of us and I'll have to adapt to their new cult, belief or whatever they are calling it. I don't think that they on a wrong way with their belief, but they are wrong about the person who they are expecting to encounter. This idea, of 'a malicious man with a dog' who wants to hurt them, is based only on a wrong conclusion. As I believe, people were gathered together by these herbs. These herbs are popular among all the members of this group. They've been drinking tea made with these herbs and they've made an exchange of thoughts during the sleep, in their dreams. Is possible that they had confusion and they all felled in this belief. Also is possible that someone is manipulating them for a reason. Obviously, I'm impressed about the dream that I had. This morning's dream was confusing; it’s content was a mixture of thoughts; some thoughts belongs to pariahs, other to 'shadow' and some other to people that were passing by the campfire yesterday, during the gathering. I'm cautious about any conclusion for the moment as I'm confused. I think that they are in the same situation and either they ignore these dreams or either they think that is natural. They are planning to form a small team which should search for other cave windows deeper in the cave. I'll join this team too, because I don't feel safe here with the 'shadow'. I will not let him know too much about me before I'll know more about him. This trip in the cave will begin today, but I'll have to let Oldie out of the cave, with the 'nomads' dog. I like how it sounds 'nomads'. It fits very well to the migration group after I've found out more about their beliefs and form of organization. Although they are in a run, because they leaved their homes frighten by that 'man with a dog', they are well organized so they could be called nomads too.” We leave at the sunrise", told me an old man who was brought by the 'shadow'. "Gather your stuff and be sure that you have water for two days in your backpack”. I’ve filled the can from the river and I've left Oldie in the yard with that dog that was here. It wasn't a problem to Oldie to show which one is the one in charge of the yard. I've left it there with some bad feeling. Not because is kind of abandoned; it’s used to stay all day long alone, but now it stays among the strangers; and that for two days probably. We’ve gathered at the campfire and started the journey.” My name is Gaudo", says the old man who was entitled to lead us through the dark of the cave.” Each of us will keep a torch, but only the one who is in the front of the group will have it lighted. The first turn will be mine, to show you what you will have to do when you will be leading. We will make stops often; the air around will be suffocating, so we have to rest often". I'm the last in the group and that means that when Gaudo will end his turn of leading, will come beside me. So far the cave is not impressing, but I'm satisfied that the path is clean and I don't have to jump all the time over the rocks around. After 300 steps from the campfire the cave began to shrink in height. None of us is talking; we all look as we are thinking at himself and his situation. After a while we had to rest and make an exchange of impressions. Nobody found anything interesting to the cave so far except some abandoned stuff which looks that belonged to an older generation than ours; a bad made of wood, a putrid rope, some cans and an interesting grill. The inhabitants of the cave abandoned all this stuff because probably it didn't worth at that time either. But the grill could be good to dry food, tobacco or what else it might be. Gaudo left the grill on a rock and told me to carry it. After the short break, Gaudo raised the last from a rock and followed me.” You know, young man, this cave is a waste of time", he whispered from behind.” We probably will not find any other window on the ceiling, except maybe, another entrance to the cave. The cave is shrinking and is not useful for the group.", he concluded. "I've offered myself to lead this trip because I'm probably the best guide for the wild. I came from a family with tradition in guiding through nature". He is taking short breaks between sentences and his breath echoes can be till the leading man.” Guiding is the only thing that we have left... I mean me and my family. I'm satisfied that we've joined this people in this journey to the north. We have to stick together if we want to win. I wouldn't could to defend my family and here it has protection. You know, besides the belief of our group, there is this form of organization. Step by step the group is raising its own religion and we are already organized in a military manner. I mean, we are organized just like the army, but we don't have rules yet except for surviving part. We have sentinels, guards, hunters, people sent to explore - like we are now for example.” ended Gaudo. His last words are boiling in my blood. I mean, all the time I’ve said that I am in control of independent, and now I found that I’m already part of the migrating group. Not as beliefs, but I’m already involved in the same actions with them.
After other few stops we’ve decided to stop. We don’t know if is night, but we can imagine because we are all tired.

SIDENOTE

...

Who cares about aging? Getting old is natural, but each of us gets old in different ways. I'm thinking that if I will lose my memories when I will be old, actually I'm losing everything. So all I need now is to draw on the paper my feelings. I will reconstruct my memories with these drawings.