(X) Testament

After one week of preparing, I've got enough stuff to go, but I didn't found an occasion to be alone with Gaudo so far. Maybe is not a bad idea to let someone know that the situation is going wrong here. My flu is gone by now, I'm just a little tired. I couldn't rest because I had to run after equipment. I've recovered my backpack; it was taken from me by a man who was exiled later. He was caught stealing during the night from the unguarded side of the cave. I think that when the things were going well, the migration group was better organized. Now it has to confront looting, flu, cold weather and insufficient space for all the people. The 'shadow' remained inducting his beliefs and gained more influence each day over these poor people. Maybe his intentions are good, but I'm sure that is not right to lead other people after his purposes; maybe the other people’s plans don’t match with his plans. He gained so much influence on the people that his authority can't be challenged. I will leave soon, but I'll let someone know the truth. Until Gaudo will join me to a cup of tea at this campfire I will take a look at the chunk of paper. Gaudo succeeded to rescue it from looters when I've felt unconscious. He seen my marks, the map I'm drawing - which actually is based on my route that I walked till this cave. He said that I've done a good job with this, if I want to travel back through the snow. I think that in one week from now I'll be leaving, hopefully, together with Gaudo. As I've noted on the paper, the first place where we can camp is not too far, which is good because I have time to look for Oldie. Poor Oldie... it's all alone out there, if is still alive... I remember that at the last place where I camped when I came here were traps for animals. I would hear if it been caught in those traps, since people are hunting everyday in the vicinity. I miss my cigarettes. If I'll find Oldie, I'll have some cigarettes again. I've shared some tea to these three guys that seats around the fire with me. One of them gave me yesterday a hat in exchange of a favor; if I manage to reach my home, he wants to make a detour and send a message to the people from his village. He wants to transmit to those people that he will get back in the spring if nothing bad happens and he will bring them some useful items for living. Also he gave me some roots; in his area you can't find these plants that he wants to plant at home. My contact will be a woman named "Pire" - I've noted on my paper. He didn't give me too much for the favor I'm making, but he doesn't have anything valuable in exchange and his intentions are to help.
I can see now Gaudo’s heavy shadow on the rocks while he approaches. His clothes are heavy and make him look even older. Maybe this is the secret of his success in society.
“Seat Gaudo”, I told him when seeing that he’s not sure of what to do. “There is some tea for you waiting”, I said smiling to him. “How is your wife? Have you seen her these days?”
“I told her about your mad plan of leaving. She thinks that you are crazy, but maybe you know something we do not. She said that even if the weather wouldn’t be that harsh, she can’t let the children here.” says Gaudo while throwing his equipment. "Now, you are ready to leave. What you gonna do?! Do you need some advices for the road?", he asked me.
"I want you to go with me; and your wife too. You must understand something. All the people in this cave are here because of a purpose that is less important than it was. I know why all the people in this cave gathered here and as far as I know, more than a half of the people believe that I am the man that brings evil, because there are many similarities between me and the hero of this mad story. Just think a little: if I go from here, then is not me the evil character that these people awaits; if you come with me you will not have the same destiny as the other people in the group; and most of all, I think that now is not a secret that the things goes badly each day. Maybe will be better to go for help!” I said.
All the people were looking astonished at me and the only think you could hear was the fire clacks. They are both scared and surprised about my confession. I don't have time anymore to explain it in a easier way. Gaudo is almost convinced I think, but these other guys looks like they still believe in their purpose. Either if I've convinced them or not, it will sure have a positive effect. Is enough for me if they spread my words. Someone at least will trust in me and will follow me.
"Why did you came here, then?" asked me one of the three guys.
"I had reasons to believe that this migration has a connection with me after I've heard how it all started." I said. "My purpose here was, although I didn't know, to get people back from this abyss. Now is time to end this story. I will leave soon.” I've finished my declaration.

SIDENOTE

...About crowds... The way that the crowd moves represents a unique way of thinking. All the people in the crowd think together, while each person is moving in an egoistic way. At this point the crowd is one single entity. If the crowd is moving too slow and there are frictions between people, then the entity is “ill”. Is like cells in the human body; if there are ill cells, the illness will spread to the nearby cells. At this point, if there is a healthy cell among the others, and if it knows how to spread the health in the group, then this cell is the antidote.

(VIII) Illusions

There are four days already since we've left in expedition in the depths of the cave and we are close to its end. We've made a map of the cave (which was my idea and I’m keeping a copy of it) and we’ve made a short list with points of interest in the cave. We’ve found a small water which is useful and a window in the ceiling, somewhere at the end of the cave, but this is useful only for air circulation. It would be more useful as a secondary cave entrance, but is too high for that. I think that Gaudo was wrong about the secrets of the cave. Other interesting things in the cave are the abandoned shelter where we’ve found that grill and the wall paintings from the end of the cave. When we came back, we've found crowds agitating all around. It looks like the winter is in its big days. People couldn't support anymore the cold and the wind and chaotically they've forced the cave. Meanwhile the spirits have calmed down, but only to listen the 'shadow' 's speech. He know how to make himself heard. He takes long breaks between sentences and look to the entire mass of people."Nobody will be left behind. Each one of us is useful in order to complete our task. We have to stick together when is hard and I tell you something: Better days will come ! Better days are sitting now, waiting this winter to end ! As for now, I have someone who came back from an expedition to the deep of the cave, to bring you the good news. Gaudo, please come here!" He was speaking loud, so everyone could hear his voice.Gaudo managed to make way through the crowd and got up on the rock where the 'shadow' was standing."I just came back from the expedition from the deep of the cave and I can say that I think that there is enough room for almost all of us. We have to organize our selves in such manner, that the shelter to be shared between children, women and old people on one hand, and teams of hunters, workers and guards on the other hand. The hunters, workers and guards must to their jobs alternatively, so all the time someone will be outside. This is the only way that we can survive this winter. We've found water and a ceiling window near the end of the cave. We have to split in two teams to be close to these two useful things."He ended his speech in a wide mass satisfaction. People were already grabbing their backpacks for the trip to the deep of the cave. Most of them thought that if they go in the doorless side of the cave, they will not participate at the community's outdoor activities. The answer came from the 'Shadow' shortly after Gaudo's speech:"Womens, children and old people will go in the deep of the cave. Also, ill people will join them. A few strong people will go too, to help setting the camps. People who want to be with their families in the doorless side of the cave will have longer shifts." While he was talking, accidentally he uncovered a part of his shoulder, which revealed an interesting tattoo; it was representing the cube found by the 'smith'. That is an interesting relation between that cube and 'shadow' 's tattoo. This trip that we have in search for life conditions in the depths of the cave, was not healthy for me. Although I have a strong health, the humidity affected my lungs and I got cold or flu finally. Half way at return I had fever and I had to be carried for a while by two man from the team. Neither now my health doesn't shines; I'm just in a passage of lucidity. I can't remember clearly what happen when we got back. At the beginning, the crowd was like I used to be waked up by Oldie sometimes. By the way, I have to check if it's alright. It must be taken inside. Is too old for this winter. I will see how I'll manage to get it inside. Most of the people will have something to comment about this, but either way I will take it inside, even if it will die starving. Lots of my memories from this trip are lost among moments of trembling and words that were passing across the cave; and some echoes too. I'm sure about the wall painting that we've found at the end of the cave, but now those paintings are just a fog in my mind.I'm quite indisposed and I feel surrounded by hungry people, who probably forgot about their reunion with the nature, as they were saying recently. With all this weakness that I have in this moment, I will manage to take my dog inside alone. Surely looks funny to me that I felt so bad with my health, and enough to depend on other people. I feel my back very warm, my hands are trembling when I'm pulling my clothes and I'm so dizzy... Where are going all these people ? There is not so much space in the other side of the cave. I guess they've entirely forgot about that chunk of paper that put them all in move. They don't look strangely at me anymore; I'm just a soft obstacle in their way. I think that I've felt three times already while struggling to make my way out of the cave. As I'm here, at less then 50 feet from the entrance of the cave, people are less, the cold from outside is already filling my veins and my mind begins to clear itself. Now I feel better, even if is a false state of mind. At least I can see my favorite memories again. I think I can see Oldie through the big snowflakes... I'm not sure... I don't know if is really it or just my memories.

SIDENOTE

When does a person meet the true loneliness !? Perhaps when he or she is enough tired of suffering. Then is a point when people gives up the fight and the only thing that remain is the loneliness. It could be said in different ways, like it wouldn't be loneliness, but resignation. In this resignation a person meets finally the truth. And what is this truth ? This truth is in fact a sum of this person's experience. Until this point there was only the projection of personal desires, and now finally meets the truth and is happy. Lonely and happy.