(IX) Empty pockets

It passed weeks until the fever released me. I’ve found myself abandoned in a dark corner of this cave and totally alone without any knowledge of what happen to me. I’ve lost weight, I’m very hungry, and lots of items of my equipment are missing. My backpack is missing also and what’s left from it, is dropped around. After a short search in my pockets and on my clothes I’ve sadly discovered that I only have left a wire tide to my belt and herbs enough to make tea for a week. I’m in a very bad situation and I don’t know what happen and why. I took the rest of backpack and made a sort of pack. I wonder what happen to Oldie… Oh, my old friend… I feel that I’ve abandoned it. I just don’t understand anything. I remember when I tried to reach it outside, that day when was snowing like it was the last snow. I remember that I was heading out of the cave, but after that I’m totally blackout. As I walk now in darkness, I can only see some shadows moving on the walls of the cave. Are shadows of people, dancing because of the fire that lights them. My legs dance too, but because of my weakness that drowns me. The boots are heavier than ever, but I think that I should be happy that I still have it. I can hear some voices, but I can’t understand what those people saying because of the echo of the cave. I can distinguish a voice although. I think it’s Gaudo’s voice. He’s a good person, so I don’t understand how he could leave me almost to death. We have something in common - the survivor attitude. Perhaps he had to choose not to help me or he wasn’t here till now. The people talking are standing up arguing about a schedule or something. I remember that before I’ve fainted we were organized in teams for work. I guess I was transported in the deep of the cave since I was so sick. Now I can clearly distinguish Gaudo’s voice and he can see me; actually is looking to me. He looks surprised.

“Hi, Gaudo…” I’ve said. All the people gathered there saluted me with a few words that not even they couldn’t hear. “Is here a place for me too?” I’ve continued. “I’m frozen and I feel very weak”
“I thought you are dead” he started to explain himself. “Last time when I saw you standing up it was when you were looking for your dog, outside of the cave...Please, join us and take this bread. You must be starving.”
I took the bread and I’ve let myself to fall on a rock. My hands are trembling of starving. I probably look desperate for these people, but I’m not ashamed. “That is also the last thing I remember”, I said. “What happen after? Do you know something about my dog?”
“Well, the people were struggling to get deeper in the cave and when I saw you, you were running against the crowd. I have seen you falling in the snow and I came to help you. I’ve dragged you inside the cave and I’ve called for help. I think you’ve swallowed some snow until I’ve managed to get you inside. Those guys from our exploration trip, you remember them, helped me to take you here. You should be happy that you are alive. People were scarred that you and other few are sick and have a dangerous disease. Indeed, there was a small hunch that you among other three people who were with us in that expedition have a dangerous flu, and people were talking about banishing you. I’ve finally convinced them to leave you alone and let us, the expedition team, to take care of you. The condition was, unfortunately, to quarantine all the team. At the beginning the people were trying to get deeper in the cave, but after they’ve seen you, they preferred to try their luck working. Normally the children, women and older people should go on this side.
Now about your dog…Maybe you could bring it here, but then, it was already too much that we took you inside, so the dog didn’t get inside. But if your dog was enough smart, it should be alive somewhere now. All the animals were unleashed and sent to freedom, if you can say that. I’ve trusted in you. I was sure that your flu is not dangerous.”
He continued to tell me what happen in the last two weeks while I begun to warm a little. I’m happy that at least the dog didn’t die when I’ve felt unconscious and it was released to find its way. So the pariahs were also sick and they recovered them selves also, but I haven’t seen them yet. I guess that I own a lot to Gaudo. He would be my friend by now on; he and Oldie, if it is still alive. My equipment is gone because of the looting. At the beginning I was searched for possible items that might be infected. Because the clothes reserves are under minimum necessary, when I was searched, other people believed that I’m dead or close to death and I don’t need all my stuff anymore and jumped over me like crows. So, I have left only with my boots, a pair of pants and a cloth.
“I’ll get my self well in a week, I hope, and I will go after Oldie” I said after listening to Gaudo’s words.
“You must be mad or your flu is still powerful” he answered shortly.
“Help me to get some equipment until then and come with me. You will be safe with me, you’ll see. I know something that would change your mind.”
“I could help you to get some clothes and put you up for walk, but I’m not that young as you are and I don’t think that I can get too far. Also is my wife who is old just like me and she can’t walk too much” says Gaudo.
In front of these arguments I can’t fight. His wife takes care of orphan children when their fathers are out for their work shift. I’ll just start to get my equipment anyway.
I must convince him to come with me and also I need to find a way to travel safety with him and his wife too. I can make use of the herbs for a noble cause. I think that the things here will go even worst in a few weeks. I must use the herbs to suggest him that I’m a good person, which actually will bring the people to safe not to end.
But I must find a moment alone just with him.

SIDENOTE

...How is to be old ? You don't know until you really are old. When you are young or teenager, you say when you see an old man that he is so old. When you get older you don't say the same thing; the man you were saying that is old, now is not that old. That's because you get older and obviously, you are closer to your own end, or should I say it a little bit clearly, closer to your own DEATH. Is that what you are afraid of ? Is normal to be afraid of death. Also is normal to change your judgment after as you get older, even if is wrong. But the difference is between cowards and just scared people. As an old person you shouldn't blame the younger generation in order to find an excuse for your fears.

(VIII) Illusions

There are four days already since we've left in expedition in the depths of the cave and we are close to its end. We've made a map of the cave (which was my idea and I’m keeping a copy of it) and we’ve made a short list with points of interest in the cave. We’ve found a small water which is useful and a window in the ceiling, somewhere at the end of the cave, but this is useful only for air circulation. It would be more useful as a secondary cave entrance, but is too high for that. I think that Gaudo was wrong about the secrets of the cave. Other interesting things in the cave are the abandoned shelter where we’ve found that grill and the wall paintings from the end of the cave. When we came back, we've found crowds agitating all around. It looks like the winter is in its big days. People couldn't support anymore the cold and the wind and chaotically they've forced the cave. Meanwhile the spirits have calmed down, but only to listen the 'shadow' 's speech. He know how to make himself heard. He takes long breaks between sentences and look to the entire mass of people."Nobody will be left behind. Each one of us is useful in order to complete our task. We have to stick together when is hard and I tell you something: Better days will come ! Better days are sitting now, waiting this winter to end ! As for now, I have someone who came back from an expedition to the deep of the cave, to bring you the good news. Gaudo, please come here!" He was speaking loud, so everyone could hear his voice.Gaudo managed to make way through the crowd and got up on the rock where the 'shadow' was standing."I just came back from the expedition from the deep of the cave and I can say that I think that there is enough room for almost all of us. We have to organize our selves in such manner, that the shelter to be shared between children, women and old people on one hand, and teams of hunters, workers and guards on the other hand. The hunters, workers and guards must to their jobs alternatively, so all the time someone will be outside. This is the only way that we can survive this winter. We've found water and a ceiling window near the end of the cave. We have to split in two teams to be close to these two useful things."He ended his speech in a wide mass satisfaction. People were already grabbing their backpacks for the trip to the deep of the cave. Most of them thought that if they go in the doorless side of the cave, they will not participate at the community's outdoor activities. The answer came from the 'Shadow' shortly after Gaudo's speech:"Womens, children and old people will go in the deep of the cave. Also, ill people will join them. A few strong people will go too, to help setting the camps. People who want to be with their families in the doorless side of the cave will have longer shifts." While he was talking, accidentally he uncovered a part of his shoulder, which revealed an interesting tattoo; it was representing the cube found by the 'smith'. That is an interesting relation between that cube and 'shadow' 's tattoo. This trip that we have in search for life conditions in the depths of the cave, was not healthy for me. Although I have a strong health, the humidity affected my lungs and I got cold or flu finally. Half way at return I had fever and I had to be carried for a while by two man from the team. Neither now my health doesn't shines; I'm just in a passage of lucidity. I can't remember clearly what happen when we got back. At the beginning, the crowd was like I used to be waked up by Oldie sometimes. By the way, I have to check if it's alright. It must be taken inside. Is too old for this winter. I will see how I'll manage to get it inside. Most of the people will have something to comment about this, but either way I will take it inside, even if it will die starving. Lots of my memories from this trip are lost among moments of trembling and words that were passing across the cave; and some echoes too. I'm sure about the wall painting that we've found at the end of the cave, but now those paintings are just a fog in my mind.I'm quite indisposed and I feel surrounded by hungry people, who probably forgot about their reunion with the nature, as they were saying recently. With all this weakness that I have in this moment, I will manage to take my dog inside alone. Surely looks funny to me that I felt so bad with my health, and enough to depend on other people. I feel my back very warm, my hands are trembling when I'm pulling my clothes and I'm so dizzy... Where are going all these people ? There is not so much space in the other side of the cave. I guess they've entirely forgot about that chunk of paper that put them all in move. They don't look strangely at me anymore; I'm just a soft obstacle in their way. I think that I've felt three times already while struggling to make my way out of the cave. As I'm here, at less then 50 feet from the entrance of the cave, people are less, the cold from outside is already filling my veins and my mind begins to clear itself. Now I feel better, even if is a false state of mind. At least I can see my favorite memories again. I think I can see Oldie through the big snowflakes... I'm not sure... I don't know if is really it or just my memories.

SIDENOTE

When does a person meet the true loneliness !? Perhaps when he or she is enough tired of suffering. Then is a point when people gives up the fight and the only thing that remain is the loneliness. It could be said in different ways, like it wouldn't be loneliness, but resignation. In this resignation a person meets finally the truth. And what is this truth ? This truth is in fact a sum of this person's experience. Until this point there was only the projection of personal desires, and now finally meets the truth and is happy. Lonely and happy.