Today is my third day on the road. Is cold since the first snow of the winter. The snow's surface is like the dust, which is a sign that it never been sun on the sky or enough warm to let the snow to become sticky. So there is no way to find Oldie's footsteps. I'll just assume its path. I don't have too many things to carry and that makes me happy. Leaving lots of stuff behind gives me that sensation of getting rid of heavy stones from my heart. Although the people from the cave didn't had an obvious intention to hurt me somehow, each suspicious look gave me that feeling that I'm doing something wrong. And when I'm thinking that in return I did something good... The last talk I had with people from there was about the truth. I hope that they will spread it. And maybe Gaudo will have enough strength to take his wife and leave those kids there and follow me soon. I don't know if he is strong enough to survive till the next shelter, wherever will be that. In his place probably I would stay in the cave. Me - weak, my wife - weak, those poor children without a grown up person around them... outside freezing to death... I don't think that I would leave the cave.
Last night I found a good shelter: right after a cliff were a few trees hidden in a small area. I've gathered some branches and I've made an one person tent. Other branches I've used it to warm a little during the night. You can't sleep too much outside when is so cold, but I expect that these sleepless nights will put me to one long sleep soon. I have food just for today. Last night I had a "feast" if you can call it like that. I said that if anyway I have food for a meal and a half and it would be better to have more strength in a one-day-shot of exploring for food, rather than extending my hunger. I don't have too many choices, I think. The animals are hidden or away in warmer places, the herbs are dead since a few weeks ago... I hope that I'll get in time to that river that I was passing by when I was with "pariah", there should be fish. Neither this is a solution for long, but it is for a while.
I'm having troubles with the snow. There are lots of branches hidden beneath the snow and either I stumble on it, either i step on it and fell into small ditches. It reminds me of my childhood. I remember the late evenings when I was around the house. In some of these nights was full moon and I could see the snow brightening and somewhere far, far away a dog barking nervous against the cold. When I was coming back inside the house I had my face wet because of the melted snow and also because I was sweating fighting with the snow.
The spot found last night was good to hide and rest a bit. I've slept, but was like I was drunk or something. Is not safe to let yourself in a deep sleep in this cold. This morning I realized that I have wounds in my boots. While I was on the road, my feet were warmed and I didn't felt. I'm thinking to a way to warm my feet a bit. I will try to make a fire tonight and after that to keep my feet in the ash. It will burn any infection that might be and warm my bones a bit.
It is not about loneliness. It is about the cold and the emptiness. It just makes you believe that there is no hope, no reason to fight for and therefore, the persistence of feeling that makes you drop anything that would make you happy. It is not dark,but it feels this way. This is what are we afraid of when thinking of death and survival. Negation is a way that some people use to think that this fear will disappear. This fear comes back in a different way, as a daily portion of alcohol or as fluid in a syringe or just the common form: a lie.